Puddle of mud..

How can you feel stuck when you are constantly moving? Are you even moving? Is it the right direction to move? Or are you moving just for the sake of moving? Sometimes, life appears to be a puddle of mud. You are not getting anywhere. Wherever you go, you will have this question in the back of your mind, how far have you come from your puddle of mud? This might follow you wherever you go, near or far, it will always be right behind you, to remind you that you are a part of this. What is more frustrating than this?!

Very often, when you come across a revelation that you can not escape something, it is wise to have a step by step breakdown and do what you can do best- Analyze it. Now it might sound stupid to a lot of people because the word analyze seems pretty heavy and we are okay with judging others’ lives than analyzing our own. So I tried to look at my puddle of mud. And here’s what I found:

  • It was rather eye-opening to me, because of the ten things I found in the puddle, eight of these were created by me.
  • I feel clung in my own space, not because there isn’t enough air but because there isn’t an air of relief. I do not give myself the space and the liberation I should be giving.
  • There is always an intrinsic conflict within me about what to do and what not to do? The pattern of drawing lines has carved out the meaning of this whole concept and now I can only see myself balancing my conscience in between the two.
  • To top it all, there is this pressure I’ve had. The pressure of being in the same place, in the same zone and feeling stuck. It’s like my urge to moving forward has given up and this place won’t let me go.

I have and a lot of you will too agree with the fact that growing up is a complex process. Not just complex, it’s burdensome. You have this evolving set of emotions each day and that is how the puddle keeps expanding each day. But for what it’s worth, I am somewhat observant of what drives my puddle. I might find a way out of it someday, but that is the fascinating part of growing up. You never really want to let go of even the slightest of things.

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You can’t have it?!

Have you ever wondered why does not being able to have something hurt? Or acknowledging the fact that you have to live with that vicious revelation. It is always that brutal and giant? I mean there could be times when even the slightest thing in life could have given you such a feeling; Like not being able to buy that ridiculously expensive typewriter or saving up for that beautiful suburb house for years, which you no longer wish to have because your relationship with the love of your life has ended. Do you despise your own life for telling you that you can not longer have that piece of cake? Or do you end up abominating the people and the surrounding that have put you there?

What is the most excruciatingly unwholesome part of coming to terms with these circumstances? Waking up every morning and realizing you have lost your dream job or going to bed with the thought that you are driven in this dismayed feeling of aloofness and there’s no coming out of it. But what happens when days pass; Weeks pass? Do you still feel the flickering itch within yourself? Does the music still hurt your ears? Or do you end up reaching that phase eventually, where everything begins to fade out, the reason because it’s there in that part of yesterday, which is never coming back.

Have I bombarded this piece with questions? This is a conspicuous state of mind, something that I keep asking myself, whenever I can’t have something. The cycle is no different. There is a paucity, the desire to fulfill it, then comes the motives with conjunction to the surroundings, the effort and lastly the ramifications. It will either be in a way when you know you’ve made it or when you tried but everything around you moved past you but you couldn’t.

The least selfless part comes when you take the time your mind and heart wants and by and by, you feel less miserable. It can put you in a gyre of unknown emotions and being in that zone can turn out to be both time consuming and mentally exhausting. No matter how much cliche it sounds, but the fact is, every road you travel, every gyre life will put you in, every series of emotions you are caught up in, you will never come out empty handed. There will always be a handful of lessons, and an inherent courage within you, which will always turn out to be useful in situations when life says YOU CAN’T HAVE IT!

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The birthday edition..

Today’s your birthday!! What would be the first expression when you hear these words. Forget expressions, how do you feel when this comes up. Happy, joyful, elated, jubilant or just average or usual, just like me. This is a day that arrives each year but instead of questioning my usual behaviour towards this day, I ponder on the unseen things. Why do I do it? Am I not normal? Or am I too boring? I am certainly not too old for not having excitement but where is that excitement? People end up catechizing my highly bizarre mood but I don’t even have an answer to it. Sometimes, I pertain to close doors that are specifically out there to give me answers.


Over the years, I have been jarred to see how things end up changing. Some of these are for good, you don’t feel like a fool when it’s done. But how can I put together things that have changed? Is there a way to keep track of whatever’s changing around you? This might be ironic, but my unwillingness towards change is not as gruesome here. One year is quite a time for things to pick up the pace and move past you. How can I catch up?


I am not a child or a teenager. I am not even an oldie, and neither am I a disturbed individual in the middle age of her life. In the span of a year, you go to places, you meet people, you experience things, you gain perspective, and that is all a part of the change. Losing someone, moving out of a relationship, giving up on something are some of the changes time casts on you, and it can not always be unjust, but in some way, it turns out to a little sign of self-growth. It could end up hurting like a bitch but when you are going to reflect after a year, it is not going to hurt the same way. You won’t be the same person anymore and you wouldn’t mind being the person you are now. I might not like dressing up and going to party on my birthday, but I sure as hell love to see myself being the person life has turned me into and how much I have been able to withstand and how abruptly normal and usual it seems now.

Wishing myself a very ordinary, prosaic and if not happy, absolutely fine, birthday!!

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There is nothing permanent except change..

Tell me what is the most overused statement, something you keep hearing all the time, sometimes to console, sometimes to swallow the bitter pill. What is it? It goes something like change is the only constant. Change is the rule you eventually have to abide by. I was looking at what exactly does it imply and here’s what I found “Change is constant” means that change is occurring continuously, while “change is a constant” means that change is an always-to-be-expected condition” It won’t be wrong to conclude that nothing in life is permanent. Things are temporal and would eventually come to an end. 

This is regardless of what we want. I mean I don’t want this day to end or I don’t want to age. I don’t want to lose that bond I have with my beloved ones today. I don’t want my friends to go away. But I guess what we want will always be unrelated to the fact that things will change, even the air around us, the hobbies we grow up with, maybe that grimy bookshelf with kids stuff too. Inadvertently I assumed that everything that’s there is supposed to stick around forever. As each strand of this belief shattered, I didn’t have an option but to bear the pain in the neck.

Now here’s the thing, I am afraid of change. As much as I fear change, I try hard to ignore it as much as possible. It’s like I have this invisible bubble which I have built around myself and I don’t let anything change inside it. To make it happen, I don’t let anyone in the bubble. A hard piece of that cake comes when I have to put down the bubble and move out. It is this situation where I have to make my way out of this gyre of self-assurance and let the reality prick. I don’t really know how is that supposed to be absorbed.

Lot of things I thought I couldn’t live without are just a piece of my fading memory today. The garden in my house, my old toys, my childhood books, the swing, those lanes, my school friends, all of this has changed. Times change, people grow up, the laughs evaporate, emotions are obliterated, nonchalance perishes and my bubble keeps diminishing with each passing day.

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Jump off the cliff, will you?

  • Walking that road can surely give you a nostalgia trip, make you feel submerged in grief or it might end up giving the light you never knew you needed.

  • Risk is the reward for your patience and also the unwanted gift. You end up losing every single thing or having everything you have ever wanted.

  • Striking off items from the list is one of the world’s best feelings, but having a list is a much more complex proposition. What if everything I have on my list doesn’t get fulfilled? I don’t have a list, but whenever I do something for myself, especially something with a personal incentive, I feel satisfied.
  • Be selfless but don’t abandon yourself completely in the commotion of righteousness. The world will end up judging you even for the wisest of choices you make, bear that in mind.

  • Never let the fear of doing the unconventional cease your intention. Sometimes, it does sound unnecessary to go off the road to do something but if even the slightest of your being resonates with this thought, just do it. That pros and cons list is not going to give you a good night’s sleep every time.

  • Thinking about others won’t make you a better person in the eyes of those who anyway don’t care and at the same time thinking about yourself might not fall in conjunction with other people’s interests.

  • Vulnerability is not a synonym for fragility. A lot of us think that the display of emotions requires a pre-calculated SWOT analysis but I guess the only thing it requires is GUTS.

  • Cut yourself some slack. Unplug and change your batteries. Thinking and over analysing are two absolutely different things and combining the two will only fuck your head.

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Dear unapologetic self..

Very often I ask myself this question ‘why are you giving up so easily’. I put myself in situations where I am left with absolutely no answers, so what do I do? I mean is it so important to have a readily available answer to every question that comes in your end or is it okay to skip a few and just move on? I have always thought that every question life casts on you, is an attempt made by your inner self to subtly keep an eye on your enlarging inability to come with a solution.

We have this notion in our mind that giving up is an unwelcomed attitude. I mean do we even have one single motivational quote which says give up or stop trying. Well, I don’t think so. It is backbreaking to put yourself in that state of mind when mentally you’ve already given up. And then people around you, if you even have that thought, might not even understand the intent of your giving up.

Why is giving up such a misdeed?

Giving up on something is a cut and dried situation I guess. The need to exaggerate the ramifications of giving up on something should be put to a trivial stage now. Giving up on a thing that seems far away or rather is totally out of your range will not make you the antihero of your own life. Instead risking yourself for something that’s not even anywhere close to your vision might end up putting you in a much-endangered spot.

Here’s what I do!

Every mile we run gives us a pocketful of experiences. But some of these are not even needed. So what should I do? Stop the run or just despise whatever it gives. Instead of doing that interrogation with myself, I’d rather pick up the downhill road.

  • Coming out of places will not cost you anything, especially the ones you don’t want to be in.
  • Leaving your drive midway is FINE.
  • If you do not always feel like being the controller of your life, be the observer.
  • Just because something lasted long, abandoning it for your reasons is your own choice. Exercise it whenever you want.
  • The past will always be a story, but memories are the happy ending. Mixing the two will make a terrible combination.

In the end, to give up might look like cravenness but no one can ever know what you gotta do, better than you. Taking charge of your life is important but loosening your grip sometimes will cost you nothing.

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What’s your side?

Our life is a story we tell but it could also be a story we are being told in which we are just part-time contributors. Every story can and mostly have a second side, the side which often goes overlooked. To a lot of people, plan B is not even an actual thing. Well, I don’t believe in having alternatives, but a lot of times I end up needing them and I don’t have any. So I thought let’s think a little about the sides of a story.


Before we listen to a story, or look at a picture or form a mental image, we never tend to think of the sides of it, rather we are focused on the fabrication, in other words judging the story on the grounds of how appealing it appears to be or to only deduce the story without even putting an effort to assimilate it. Whenever there is an argument of sides of a story, the very first thing people can come up with is the right and the wrong side. The balanced contrast is only put into consideration. Assuming that is the only part of a story is thoughtlessness. There could be a million sides to it. But again, we end up dismissing this hypothesis, maybe because it requires a little more effort.

I tried this exercise and wanted to discern what is beyond the dark and bright. And here’s what I found:

  • The side of Point of views: Very often we presume that the one with the positive side is the right one. The Point of view emerging from that sphere is correct and rational. But there is a clash that exists. A clash that can surmount the inherent precision of the positive side and put you in a position to step in the shoes of the other side, and fathom its meaning.

  • The side of Vulnerability: The side of vulnerability is where there is a display of the weaker side and how much does this side align with the personalities involved. Whenever emotions come into the scene, the whole setting changes but this doesn’t happen exactly at what you’re looking at. It could be something that is way out of the sight. But when you take a look at this side, it liberates your constrained thoughts to think beyond what has been stated to you.

  • The side of Conclusion: The ending is where the final verdict comes out. The question arises that have I well understood the story, or have I been able to look at all the sides of the story. But the task doesn’t end here. The ending in itself is a side. The ending might help you choose what side you have been enticed by, but the conclusion is also the point where you get to decide is it really an end. Or just a full stop to a narration.

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Judgment Cycle??

The very first thing that comes to my mind after reading the word “judgment” is the thought of being judged. Over time, I never realized what is supposed to be a careful area of choice, has turned into negligence fabricated with convenience. How long does it take for a person to judge someone? Without even exercising the ethics and morality attached to it. These sound like heavy words and might require minimal effort, so people often skip the intelligent part and jump on the condescending part, which is to ignore absolutely every single molecule of your conscience and JUDGE someone.

Now why do we get judged?

I asked this question to myself, that what generally happens in a situation from my part, that puts the other person in a position to form such a strong outlook. Here are the few observations I’d, which are true and have happened and I can’t be more amused to share this:

  • Judgment based on vulnerability or accurately the ability to express.
  • Judgment based on the capacity to make decisions.
  • Judgment based on the potentiality to have my individual opinion about things and (wait for it) not always agreeing to what is said to be right.
  • Judgment based on doing something for yourself.

When I lined up these considerations in place, I thought of putting up a little something. I call this the judgment cycle, which has a contemporary lateral to it.

BORING STUFFHEALTHY STUFF
1. Encounter1. Observation
2. Perception2. Perspective
3. Judgment3. Judgment
4. Disregard4. Preference
5. Prejudice5. Reassess
6. Hostility6. Decision
This is always subject to change

As obnoxious as this appears to be, it is even more muddling to shut your eyes to this utter bullshit we all go through. We might not know this, but it meddles a lot with our mind. Just tell yourself, to pass on roses and not judgments. It sucks!

QUIT TRYING.

Just because the tree appears in your sight doesn’t necessarily mean you can reach for the fruit. Everything that falls on our radar of possibility can not always be achieved. That’s true. You can not touch the stars unless you are not willing to get out of your bed and spoiler alert- THAT’S FINE!!

Stop antagonizing your counter-productivity:

Sailing on two boats can sometimes turn out to be one negative driving force in your life. This is not the errand of multi-tasking but something which puts subliminal pressure on you, for constantly being productive. To get to something, we overlook the long run it requires.

One of the crucial lessons taught in childhood says never stop trying until you succeed. For years this acted as an invisible energy that kept me on my toes; As if the universe is pushing you to run after things that you want. But practically this is more than just a reinforcing energy. It befuddles your mind into believing dubious facts like the more you delay, the lesser you achieve. The mind has all the axes to grind and whenever it picks a slower-paced one, you have no option but to stop, right there. The mind has its own fatigue and the inherent propensity to take a break.

Breaking the “BREAKS”:

Now first thing starts off by normalizing the concept of slowing down. What if I don’t want to run anymore or I am tired of chasing something that is not even vividly detectable. Nobody told that. Nobody teaches you to stop or take a pause. The only definition of “taking a break” implies having meals. What if my breaks are more than that. What if your inner self gives you a stop sign. Breaking the patterns is not going to end the world. Your mind designs your respective pattern and when you are not quite aligning with it, you can pause for a moment and ponder.

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The catalog of bullshit!

Behavior is an integral part of the mind. Not only it is monitored constantly by your mind, but there is also a passive demarcation drawn by society to showcase only the set standards of behavior. This fancy catalog is fed into our system as soon as we begin to gain senses. In a certain sense, this is quite acceptable, as long as we are looking at things from a sophistication standpoint. Coming back to the set standards, I wanted to understand a little more on this, to see what does society implies.

What exactly is behavior? What are its complexities and how does someone determine its threshold?

Behavior is sometimes driven by emotions and feelings. Not only the limbic system can be held questionable for responding in certain situations but it also paves the way for any trauma building in the mind. Not a lot of people understand the dynamics of the human mind and the correlation between emotions and behavior. Anything that isn’t falling in the set standards range is considered to be unacceptable.

Some common conflicts of the emotional system:

  • Right from childhood, we are imparted with valuable morals and lessons that center our life and everything around it. A question arises in a situation of disagreement. In the process of growing up, numerous experiences come along our way. Some could leave a longer impression on our ability to think and hence the conflicts arise.
  • You are constantly reminded of taking it down a notch, be it your anger or your excitement. As a child, one can make peace with that fact. But what happens when you grow and experience conflicts. It’s like looking at an out-of-course question and not knowing what to do.
  • Opinions are not always welcomed. Having a voice of your own is not only normal but also incumbent. But as per the behavior catalog, this is not supposed to be done by the young ones.
  • Imagine going through something terrible and your behavior fabricates a potential conflict; the mind is absolutely clueless yet there is a solution needed.

It is assuredly normal to:

  • Believe in yourself before memorizing the catalog.
  • Disagreeing about the lessons we have been imparted with.
  • Having your own point of view.
  • Having your outburst even if the environment around you reminds you not to do so.

One thing that I have observed after thoroughly going through my catalog is that people don’t need to be always going to agree with what you think, or support your struggles or draw a conclusion from your motives. But when you attempt to step off your catalog, the people around you will come back to you. So talk to yourself first, before confiding in the catalog.

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